My hope

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

It's Christmas Eve!!!! Merry Christmas Eve! I always still feel like a kid at this time of year. I get so excited to see my children's face on Christmas morning. I think I get more excited than they do!

Wow the year 2012 is almost over...sounds so crazy doesn't it? It seems like a short time ago, I gave birth to my now 20 month old. :-/

So much has happened this year, both good and bad. The year has gotten better as it went on, which is a pleasant change to my life's previous patterns.

Right now I am sitting on my comfy couch, in front of our beautiful Christmas tree, watching two of my children walking around in their "getting along" t-shirt, my almost 20 month old toddler running around in nothing but his socks, and my mother preparing our Christmas dinner for this evening. My husband is at work. I feel very blessed for what I have right now.

Tonight, George will come home from work, we will have Christmas dinner, we will enjoy the food and each others company, we will let the children open one present a piece and we will go to bed anxiously awaiting the morning to come. Today will be a good day.

School has been going well. Very well actually. I just received my grades for the Fall semester...3.71! Third semester in a row for Dean's List. :) Which brings my overall GPA up from a 3.10 to 3.22...I'm good with that! I hope I can keep this up!
The only "B" I had was in my A&P II class, which isn't an "A" like I have been getting in my previous science classes, but still really good, so I'm happy with it.
I worked hard for that "B".
The upcoming Spring semester should be somewhat of a break for me, which I am greatly looking forward to.

Lots of positive changes coming in the near future. We are moving next month.
I. HATE. Moving.
But it's a very good move.
We are moving into a house George's boss owns. It's a big house. Each of our children will have a room of their own. We will have plenty of space. Big open area outside. Huge yard. Lots of play room for the kids. A lake for the Summer. A garden. Oh I can't wait.
I just wish we could blink our eyes and be moved.

Nope, doesn't work. Just tried.
Oh well.

Another big positive to this move, in a way, it secures George's job. His boss wanted to put someone in it that either was a long term employee or had the potential to be a long term. For lack of a better word, it's somewhat an honor to have the opportunity to be able to live in that house. I'm looking forward to it.

I just really hope we can sell our current house. If we can't...no. Not thinking about that. We WILL sell. We will. *crossing fingers*

Things are good at the moment. I am praying every night before I go to sleep that they stay that way. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my life and where it's at. The only way to go is up.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Blogging Education in progress

Blogging. I love it.
I really do.

But figuring out how it all works...another story.
One would think that you just find a blogging site, make a profile, make a few pretty choices, and start typing away. One would think.

Nope, not that easy. Not if you want it to be you.
A big part of blogging is supposed to be about reflecting each individual person as an individual. As the individual they see themselves to be.

But let me tell you, that's difficult to do without the know-how of the blogging tools! I have been working on mine (I have two; one for very different parts of my life) and I still do not feel like either one of them truly expresses/reflects ME.

I need help.

I want people to look at my blog and be able to pick up pieces of me just be view. I want people to read my blog and feel like they are really learning about me.....


Wow, yeah, ok. So I just got completely distracted by a show on Vh1. Some kind of live Taylor Swift show...at first I didn't pay any attention, but then she started talking about how each song was born and singing and...distraction. Yeah, she's so...innocent, real, I love her. Purely for those two reasons.

Ok so back on track. Blogging. Help. Needed here. Not figuring it all out. I want the design to be unique. To be mine. But outside of the offered designs and such...no clue how to do that.

I have two. I want them separate, but together....make sense? No? Ok. moving on.

I will get this figured out. Or I will find someone that already has it figured out and I will ever so sweetly convince them to teach me. :)

Monday, October 8, 2012

Loss Part 2

There is a part 1..it just hasn't been published yet. I did these backwards. This experience was a lot different for me and I didn't want to these emotions to intermix with part 1.

June 2010. A month I will never forget. I do not remember the day. I think I have blocked it out.

I experienced my second loss this month. What would have been, if nature wasn't so cruel, my 4th child.

I say "I" and "my" because with this loss, I pretty much dealt with alone. I think it was just too much for George to deal with. Way too much. So he just...didn't. That I cannot fault him for. You cannot force someone to grieve.

In March that year, maybe April, I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for a while. Not having much luck. Even got ovulation kits thinking maybe something was wrong. Went to the doctor...and his professional advice? "Stop trying" As blown as my mind was, that's what we did. We stopped trying. I stopped tracking my periods and ovulation (which btw drove me batty. I hate not knowing what my cycle is doing) Low and behold one month after the doctor visit...I got pregnant.

Was it coincidence? Who knows.

All I know is when I read that pregnancy test that said positive, my heart swelled with joy. We finally did it! I announced the news to George by buying him a shirt he really wanted and folding it nicely on the bathroom counter, with the test next to it. Went outside and told him to go check out his shirt to make sure it was the right size. His cousin was there outside so we sat in an awkward silence as we waited for George to return. George came outside with a stunned smile on his face. I don't think he knew what to do. He looked happy, but unsure how to react. I pegged it to be because of our first loss 1 year prior to this.

Oddly enough, I found out I was pregnant with this one, almost exactly a year after my miscarriage....another coincidence?

We were happy. Told everyone. It was short lived. 4 weeks.

By this time my pants were already very tight. Some of them I was already using a rubber band on. (Don't you love rubber bands?) Not even done with the first trimester and using rubber bands...twins? Doc says maybe. Wow. Amazing. Scary. Wow. Life was going to be busy.

I was just over 10 weeks, maybe by a day or two. I begin to spot. I freaked. I knew this was bad. I calmed myself and had a little pep talk that it might be ok. "Don't psych yourself out" I told myself. Everything is fine.

Everything is fine.

I went to the doctor and he did his exam on me, took blood work, blah, blah, blah, all the standards. I was measuring further than 10 weeks obviously. Much further. My hormones were a lot higher than he expected for my gestation. But everything WAS fine. Nothing explained the spotting. So because of my size, he felt it was a good idea to look inside, get an ultrasound and see what was going on in there. Maybe it was twins, which he explained could be a reason for some spotting. He didn't go into further detail, stating that there is too much to speculate so he would like to see if there are two babies in there, then go from there. He was very positive things were going to be fine. There is that word again. Fine.

I have had my number of ultrasounds. I was not worried. I have had so many, I usually know what I'm looking at before the tech tells me. Heck, I knew Piper was a girl before the tech showed me. I laid down on the table, ready to see my tiny baby or babies on the screen. I exposed my belly and the tech made a comment about my belly size for being so early. Twins comment again.

Just maybe.

"We are about to find out" she says. She put the device on my belly and I watched the screen. I see my gestational sac.

I wait.

Wait to see my little miracle. Maybe she isn't in the right location of my belly. The tech moves it around. Maybe she isn't using enough pressure to get a good picture...no, my bladder is about to burst..that's not it. Still just a sac.

She looks around at everything around my uterus. There are my ovaries...bladder...etc...

There is my gestational sac again. I just stared. Blank.

"It's empty isn't it?" I didn't even think when I asked. It just came out. "My sac is empty."

The techs are "not" supposed to give any reports to the patients...that is the docs job. But I know her position was compromised. She knew I was not ignorant to this...what was she supposed to say to me? She couldn't lie. I could tell she didn't want to tell me to wait to talk to the doc, when I already knew what was going on. She confirmed. "Yes"

I instantly broke down in tears. My inner me was screaming "how is this even possible?! I am pregnant! That means WITH child! How can I be pregnant without child?! Where is my baby?! Babies?!" I suddenly felt so outside of myself, like I was watching from the corner of the room. My heart was pounding so hard I swear I could hear it. I just could not understand how this could be possible. You get pregnant, there is human bodies in your body. My hormones were right, (actually elevated which also made us think twins), my body was growing rapidly, I was sick...oh lord that pregnancy sickness was kicking my butt. I WAS pregnant. So how in the hell can there be no baby inside my belly??? This is a very cruel joke.

It was so baffling several docs had to review the ultrasound before they would talk to me. So I went home. Called George on the way and just came apart. Called my mom frantic. This is impossible. Right? There has to be some mistake.
The next day was a blur. All I could do was cry. Hold my belly and cry.

It was hard to believe that I just found out I could be having TWINS. Then in the very close following moments, they were no longer there. I had a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I had my hand on my overly large (for 10 weeks), hard belly, and there was nothing on the other side. Nothing but an empty sac.

When it was time to see the doc he explained I had, had a blighted ovum. However he did also say that it is rare for it to happen so late. Usually it happens very early, before the pregnancy can even be confirmed. He explained that normally, there never is an embryo at all. Just the placenta forms. With mine happening so late, and other evidence involved, he believed that I did in fact have an embryo that became or attempted to become twins, and then the formation stopped, reason for it could have been a number of things.

The reasons didn't matter. My babies were gone. No longer with me. I was an empty. Literally and figuratively. I just wanted to go home.

We discussed options. The was the same regardless...no babies. Not even one. I could either take a medication that could induce a miscarriage; it may or may not fully work. I could wait for nature to take it's course, which would have been 2 weeks max. Or I could have surgery to end it. I chose surgery.

I did not want to risk the medication not working and having the surgery anyway.
I definitely could not stand to walk around everyday knowing this could be the day...
Walking around every day just waiting for what is left of my baby's existence to leave my body...

No, I couldn't do it. Surgery. As soon as possible. I wanted it over with. I never wanted it to start. It was scheduled for two days from then.

That morning I was a mess. A complete and total mess. I don't remember much else. I remember crying, holding George's hand as they started to wheel me away to the O.R.

I was in and out a lot in recovery. I remember waking up...crying. Several times. I remember the nurses coming over and holding my hand telling me it was going to be ok. One rubbed my head. I cried the whole way home. The rest of the day, and a few following days, I just laid in bed. I cried at the drop of a hat. I was depressed.

Ever since I have had a hard time dealing with this loss. It hit me a lot harder than the first...which most people think for that to be backwards. I agree. I think this hit me like it did, because:

I WAS pregnant.
Very possibly with twins.
We tried hard for this baby.
Seeing the screen empty literally screwed with my head.

That last one I think is what really did it to me. Knowing you are pregnant, and then looking for your baby and seeing nothing...I cannot put into words what that was like. Psychologically...it was horrible.

I saw a therapist for a while. It helped. For a while. I have good times and bad times. I can go a few months and be ok. Talk about it and not cry. Then a few months when I can't even think about it without crying. I don't understand why I can't just...be ok about it.

I don't know that I will ever truly be ok about losing my babies.

But I'm trying. Here lately though it has been very difficult. October was the due month for the first love I lost. The 15th of this month I am attending a balloon release event to honor babies lost through miscarriage or stillbirth. In my American Literature class we just read and discussed a Robert Frost poem about the loss of a baby. I wrote a paper on it.

It's a rough month.

I have never really let it out like I have here. All the details. All the emotion. (I never told George about the twins part, I was afraid it would make it more difficult for him to deal with) It feels good to put all into words.

I have cried through this post. But now...I'm not. I don't know if it will last. But I'm enjoying this feeling. I'm still sad. I still long for the babies I will never have in this life. But the feeling.....I don't know the words. I feel released.

In memory of my little loves, I have written a poem. I haven't written in years...

Little Loves of Mine

Your faces I never got to see.Your hands I never got to feel.
All I could say out loud was,Can this really be real?

In my womb you took up space.You were there I know it’s true.
The doctor told me nothing’s there,Nothing left of either of you.

My belly is empty.The screen made it clear.
My belly is empty.How are you not here?

My belly is empty,But the evidence show,
There must have been two in there, With the way my body and hormones grow.

Where did you go? Why did you leave?
Don’t you know how much I loved each of you? How much I wanted you with me?

It’s hard to miss you like I do. To tell people your story,
And not tear up, At thoughts of you.

Mommy loves you. Little loves of mine,
I can’t wait to see you both, In the future…sometime.

In my heart, You will always stay
The pain of your departure Never goes away.

In your memory, I wright these lines,
Your memory is all I have, Little loves of mine.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Blue

In general feeling blue tonight. Surrogacy journey isn't going anywhere. Frustrating. Have a HUGE A&P2 exam on Friday and not even close to prepared for it. Scary. Husband goes out to dinner and royals game with boss to "discuss" a raise, leaving me with very little time to get more study time in, all the while ignoring me and not having the consideration to have a conversation with his wife and hear her out on how she feels about the situation. Frustrating. Sadening. Infuriating. Feeling like I don't matter. *Sigh* Kids are in the back ground playing. Older ones having a kid arguement. Youngest running around screaming to hear himself scream. He apparently thinks the sound is amazing. He's having fun. He just biffed it. I laughed. It felt good. I love watching him run. It is so cute. His little legs move just as fast as they possibly can, and for little legs they sure do move! School is rough. Very rough. None of my classes are easy. The time to study seems shorter. UGH, I'm scatter brained right now. I'm thinking a ton of things at once and don't know what I want to post. I feel a block. It needs to clear.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Patience

This was from a while back...it was sitting in my drafts. I must have hit "save" by accident instea of "publish." Oh well, here it is. Life is so very stressful right now. It just seems like that is what my life is about...stress. The economy is horrible, and having a less than motivated husband definitely does not help any situation. Finances at their lowest, and graduation still 3 years away. 3 years. Some days it does not seem like we will survive till then. I look around me, watch on facebook, listen to stories, of people I know going places with their families, taking their children fun places, experiencing the fun side of life, and I wish so badly that was me and my kids. I want to take them places and let them be kids and experience fun and do the things kids do. Go to the zoo, and water parks, all those things. It breaks my heart that we they have to just sit here and have no fun summer stories to tell. 3 years. I'm a patient person. I like to think I'm a patient person. But somedays...I don't feel very patient. I want so much for my children. Though I do give them all I can when I can, I hope they understand that one day. Our life is at a stand still until I graduate. I have said that before. We are stuck here until I graduate. Trying to have patience.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Grrrrr...

Grrr.... That's all I have to say right now...grr... Yes, I am an intelligent person. Dean's list, A in A&P, scholarship for good grades...wouldn't happen if I wasn't. BUT! I do not get those things easliy. I am an analyzer. I anazlye every. single. thing. i drive myself crazy with it. But there is not much I can do about it. It's how my brain works. Not that there is anything I want to do about it. Having a brain that analyzes like that has proven to be very useful, in many things in my life, personal, educational, general life. It's part of the reason I'm the "go to" person for a lot of my friends. I have to have all the info, to analyze a situation to make an informed decision. Now having said that, my brain kind of works against itself. I'm not a quick thinker. Oh how I wish I were. But I'm not. I process slowly. Sometimes it takes me longer to catch things that are not CLEARLY stated, than most people. That has not worked so well in my favor. I find myslef in disputes with people I consider close to me because of it. I don't get something they say right away, or catch a meaning they didn't lay out clearly right away, and I respond with my first thought to what they said. Then later in the conversation, a light bulb comes on, and I realize...OH!! THAT'S what they meant!! By then usually, chaos is already started, and when I try to go back and explain what happened and where I was, and what my true intention was...it's too late. They already have this horrible view of me and my intentions, and everything I say from then on is totally. and completely. pointless. This is very irritating for me. Both because I know this is how I am physiologically built and because these people do not try to learn that about me, and take it into consideration in conversations. They just like to stick to the negative view of me. Ouch. Almost makes me wonder if it's not a cop-out to end a friendship they don't value anyway... I don't know. It's hurtful though. That a "friend" will not take the time to try to understand me or how I work, or even just accept that, that is how I think. Instead will say hurtful things. It sometimes makes me wish I didn't think and analyze the way I do...but then that would mean I'm ashamed of ME. And that's not right either....

Monday, May 21, 2012

Good things

Life...good at times...stressful at times... * What can ya do but just try to make the most of it? George had an interview at the juvenile correction center here in town. He thinks it went pretty well. Hopefully he gets the job. I have my fingers crossed! * Him having a steady job will help things out so much here. Things are going pretty good overall. * My little Q-man is walking!! It's so hard to believe! I LOVE watching him walk and work to keep his balance. Witnessing him learn the skill...no words can describe. He is growing up so fast, and man he is so dang smart. And he loves to wear hats. Lol. I think he is going to be daddy's little rough tough boy. He likes the dirt, hats, trucks, balls, typical boy stuff. Marshall was never like that. So it's a little new for us. Lol. * Had to take my little man to the dr again today though. He has been having issues with milk, and I was just at a loss of what it could be and what to do. Regular milk makes him dangerously constipated. Lactaid milk keeps him regular, but makes him vomit and so incredibly fussy. Dr said his digestive system just isn't ready for the big proteins and sugars yet. So he is having to stay on a special formula meant for toddlers. I don't like it...but it's the best option we have. He has no problems when he is on it either. Instantly he stopped vomiting and the fussiness went away, meaning his tummy felt loads better. Happy, healthy baby=happy mama. That's all that matters. * Piper is learning how to ride her bike without training wheels. It's about dang time! :) We have been trying to get that girl to do for some time now, but she was always so afraid. So mama took her out two days ago, put her in the grass, and told her she was going to practice on the grass until she felt comfortable then we would take her to the road. She did so well, and by the end of that day, she was reading for the road. She didn't think so though. * The next day I let her practice a little in the grass, and when she began to get frustrated (the grass was keeping her from progressing), I gave her no choice but go to the road. She started riding!! It was so great to see my little girl ride her bike all by herself, and be so excited about it! Especially knowing I, me, myself; I taught her. I'm a very proud mama. * I find myself feeling like a very proud mama now these days, more than I have in my entire motherhood. Right now I'm sitting on my front deck, watching my two boys play in the grass. It's a simple little joy, that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Quentin really loves his big brother. He will follow Marshall and climb in his lap...so cute. Marshall is such a great big brother too. He even puts Quentin to sleep in his own special way when mama is busy. On his own too, I have never asked. I'm so blessed with the children I have. How did I get so lucky?