My hope

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Semester's End

The semester is over. It's actually been over for about a week and a half. I'm just now getting around to having a little time to blog.

It was a little bit of a rough semester. It was the first one where I didn't have the "easy" courses. I made it through though, and I made it through with shining colors! I'm so proud of myself...

I MADE THE DEAN'S LIST!!!!!!

Yup, that's right....ME. No matter how hard I tried in high school, I could never get better than a 'C' average, and here I am ending my Sophomore year of college on the dean's list!! I even got an 'A' in chemistry! That's one class I did not think I would do well in at all, and I did just the opposite. :)

It's a pretty amazing feeling.

I have never been one to brag much and boast like this, but I feel I really deserve to right now. For once I'm not afraid to say, "Look at me!"

Spring semester will be a bit harder. Anatomy and physiology=yuck. Plus the lab. Not sure what is in this lab....kind of looking forward to it. Maybe that's the medical student in me. Hahaha.

This next semester will be a challenge no doubt, but I can do it. I can do it. I can.

I'm going to do it.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Friday, December 2, 2011

A Season of Firsts

*Side note: I am going to TRY to set aside one day a week to blog, that way I can empty my head weekly...not let so much build up, good or bad. We will see how it goes.*



December is here, it's officially the holiday season. This season is going to be full of a lot of firsts for my little Q-man. He already had his first Thanksgiving, which was fun.

I can't wait until Christmas this year. We don't do a lot of presents at our house. After all, presents are not what it's all about, but I can't wait to watch Quentin rip and tear into that paper...will probably have to stop him from eating if of course, but it will be fun to watch. :)

A big first I am hoping for, is him being able to meet is Uncle Nickie for the first time...that will be a precious moment!

Developmentally, Quentin has a lot of firsts coming. He is on the brink of a few of them happening in the next few weeks. He is almost crawling, and starting to pull up on things. His pincher grasp is getting better, and he is becoming able to understand and show affection...

All at once...

Too much at once...

Slow down kid!!!!



He has the best little faces and smiles. I make him smile and snap those funny faces as often as I can.

Perfect example of one of those funny faces. Love it. :)

One of my favorites. Looks like he is thinking, "What am I doing?!" So great!

Look at that big smile!!! Such a happy baby. He loves playing with Piper. He lights up when his siblings walk in the room.

I could post so many more pictures, but it would take all day...I'm going to have several novels of pictures by the time he is grown. That's ok. :)

I will just be that crazy mom that has a MILLIONS pictures of their kids...I don't mind being that crazy mom. I will have BOOKS of memories to reminisce over. I'm happy with that.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Time Flies

Time is flying by so fast.




October is gone, Halloween over. My little Quentin was so adorable as Dopey on his first Halloween. A special thanks to a good friend of mine for making the costume for him. I loved it, so did everyone else. Great memories forever.



November is here and almost over. Four more days until December; three more days until Quentin is 7 months old. Wow. Less than a year away and he will be one.

Can't think about that now. I don't want to be sad about my baby growing. I want to embrace it.

November has been a big month for my little man. He got in his second tooth, and is currently teething again. Drooling and chewing on everything he can get his tiny hands on. He has been sitting up on his own for a couple of weeks now. He will sit in the floor a play with his toys for hours, giving me the chance to do a little something around the house, or just sit and relax. Though, I usually end up just watching him play. :) I can't help it, I love watching him in his little 7 month old world...things are so simple and easy.





The last week or so, he has figured out how to get on his hands and knees; the last few days he has been rocking on his hands and knees, trying to get where he wants to go. It's SO cute watching him...just be...just be a baby. I watch him for hours on end and never tire of it. He will be crawling soon...

Just today he has been trying to pull himself up on us. He is getting so strong. My little man. Man time flies.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Mask

I'm feeling a lot today. A lot of different emotions, some good...some...not so good...

I am a whole mess of emotions inside, and no outlet for them. Dangerous combination.

I don't even really know where to begin...I feel betrayed. People say they are your friends, and in conversation, sure they seem like it. When it really comes down to BEING a friend, and being there for you and having understanding, they couldn't care less. Talk behind your back about problems like a coward instead of coming to you. Making your past bite you in the ass. REALLY?! Yeah, I have done some stupid shit in my past, but it's in the past!! Everyone has bad judgment at LEAST once in their life. Get over it, I have, and I will NOT let you make me down for it!

Life is too short for your crap. Either you are a friend to me, or your not. Make up your mind and take off the damn mask! It's not a pretty sight when I lose my patience. Stop trying to take things from me!!!

I just realized the anger that is coming to the surface with every line I write...



To hear someone so close lies to your face everyday...wow...no words. To have heard this for the uncountable time...an even bigger wow. Ouch.

Just be honest. Why live a lie? I don't understand it. Speculating does no good...just makes me crazy. But the questions and wonder linger...why? Yes, the truth hurts, but it hurts a whole lot less when you are just up front with it. Grow some balls and take off the mask!!! But to say that to his face...he blows me off. Ouch again.

Days like this, I feel myself slipping back into hiding and it takes everything I have to stop it. It's hard to be me in the emtional mess, I sink quick. It's an anchor. I want it off!!!!

I wear my own mask...it's a mask of protection. I don't want to wear it anymore. I don't want to HAVE to wear it anymore. I just want to be surrounded by people that care about me, that I don't have to protect myself from. All of those people are so far away though.

I'm surrounded by people who don't care. Who pretend to care. Who are hiding behind a mask, and I just want to rip it off their face...

Anger feels good sometimes.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Stranger in this skin

I feel like a stranger to myself these days. A stranger in my own skin. It's not a good feeling.

I'm having a lot of feelings I don't like lately. Mostly because I don't know what to do with them.

I need a box with a lock to put them in...

Life is full of surprises. Lots and lots of surprises.
Some good. Some bad.

I have been surprised a time or two...or three...but I can't do anything with them. Bummer.
Too many times to count I have been presented with good things; that I want; that I cannot have. Then what is the point? Someone somewhere doesn't feel I deserve it maybe. I don't know. It's not fair.

Life isn't fair.

I'm tired of wanting the things I deserve that are kept from me. I'm tired of wanting things period. I want to go back to the days that I HAD. I miss those days. I miss those things. They are important things.

I want them back.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Oh I don't know what to do these days. So much on my mind, and no way to organize it all.

I'm on edge lately. Easily annoyed. People. What more needs said. People annoy me. So arogant, immature, ignorant, I could go on...but I don't want to annoy myself.

People do such stupid things. Why do people do such stupid things?? I mean really, have people stopped using their heads before they speak or act? Ugh.

I need to rant. I just feel like I have all this pent up frustration at people that I want to just scream at the top of my lungs and ask "what is wrong with you?!?!" But then I would be worried about what people thought about my lashing out, and why do I care? I don't know...but I do. So I rant in silence.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, I feel better now. :)

Not as good as I would like to feel, but better nonetheless. I hate feeling judgmental, and that's how I'm feeling right now. Everyone I look at, I judge in some way. Maybe this is some weird way of dealing the myself. I know I'm being judged by some people...every day people think they know me, all about me, and run their mouth about me and how I live and what I do or don't do...or what they think they know. I let this bother me. I don't know how not to let it bother me. I don't know how to handle being judged, so I judge. Not intentionally, but intentions don't matter.

I hate judging. Sometimes I do it without realizing it. Sometimes it makes me feel good. Until I reflect on my thoughts....boo.

Damn conscience.

I annoy myself. Like right now. My thoughts are all over the place. I don't like that. I feel...scattered...enclosed...confused...like I'm running in circles with myself.

That's it!! I'm stuck in a cirlce...just going round and round and round with the same old issues with myself and other people. I need to figure out how to straighten out that circle. hmmm...

I'm rambling. Again. A wise woman once told me to ramble away, cause it's good to ramble from time to time. She knows who she is. :) I appreciate her everytime I blog. She is a great friend.

I will close now...though I don't feel like I released much. I have so much, and it's so complex, I'm having trouble releasing it...putting it into words. Maybe another night it will come to me more clearly. Until then....

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Strange

I feel...strange.

Not like myself.

I don't know what is going on inside of me, but it feels foreign. Something I haven't felt in a long time. About 10 years to be exact. Now this does not necessarily mean something bad...just foreign.

I don't know where it's coming from. Actually I do...it just doesn't matter. And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm feeling very vulnerable...something I do NOT like feeling. I feel open, like at any moment, my private matters will be seen, heard, felt...

What does a person do when at such a vulnerable state? How does one protect themselves from the potential pain that could come, and most likely will? Nothing good comes from being vulnerable. Not in my experience anyway.

This is short but sweet; or bittersweet to express appropriately. Pretty much sums me up on the inside here lately...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Milestones

Yup, another post for today. I'm a little behind...

I guess Quentin decided that since his brother and sister had their milestones of starting Kindergarten and 5th grade, that he need to hit a milestone of his own. He started cereal today!!

I exclusively nurse him, but here for the past week, that has not seemed to fill him up and keep him happy for long, so the DR said it would be a good idea to go ahead and start some rice cereal.

I ventured out to Wal-Mart (god-forsaken place) and bought some bowls, spoons, and organic brown rice. As soon as I got home, I made some up with some breast milk, and got him all set up in his seat, and was taken by surprise. He took right to that spoon!

For most infants, the spoon has to actually be put in their mouth, and given time to get used to it...not this little guy!! He opened his mouth all on his own and ate that cereal right off the spoon like he had been doing this his whole life! I couldn't believe it! He ate an entire 2 TBsp (for those of you that don't know, that is quite a lot for a first timer). And I couldn't get it in his mouth quick enough. He would fuss at me if I took to long between bites. He really likes it!!

For this I am happy, but again, it's bittersweet. It is just another sign that my baby; my true, last baby is growing up on me. What is a mommy to do??

How do I get my head and my heart on the same page with this? How do I get my heart to be ok with my children growing up?

New Beginnings

Oh my goodness.

The new school year has started. No big deal right? WRONG! My little girl has started Kindergarten!!! And my once little boy is no longer my little boy, he has started 5th grade; next year is middle school!! Middle school...wow.

This is a bittersweet year for me. I'm so happy my children are growing, healthy, smart, and moving in life as they should. BUT, the more they grow, the less they need me...

I have discovered about myself, that I am a person that needs to feel needed. Why? I don't know. Maybe to give myself purpose? Is that sad? Is that good? I do not know either way. It's just me.

It is tradition on the first day of school to take them (well it used to be just HIM, now it's THEM). So we took Piper first (they go to different buildings). We took her inside instead of just dropping her at the door. We walked her to the cafeteria, as she had decided to eat breakfast; we walked her to the line and explained what she needed to do. I asked her if she was ready for us to leave, her response, "I'm scared". I felt my eyes tear up, but I fought it back, and told her I wouldn't leave until she was ready for me to. She looked over my shoulder and found a girl she knows from day care, and her fear went away. She then told Daddy and I she was ready for us to leave. Oh the pain in my heart...I kissed her good-bye with a smile on my face, wished her a good day, and watched her walk into the breakfast line with the other children. Tears running down my face.
My little girl is a big girl now. She didn't need Mommy to hold her hand. She didn't need me at all.

Ok, Marshall's turn. On the way to his school, he tells me, "You don't have to take me in, I remember where my class is." Oooook...so we stopped at the door, and let him out. Of course I didn't drive away until he disappeared in the building. He got to the door, turned, smiled and waved. :( What is happening here?!

I'm feeling very...what's a good word...tender. That's a good word for it. I'm feeling very tender about this. Do not get me wrong, I am very proud of my children. They are growing to be very independent little people. But at the same time, when will they need me??

I have one piece of happiness...I still have my Q-man at home. Oh man, I can't even imagine what I'm going to be like when he starts school!! Hopefully by then, I will have grown more emotionally, and be able to handle it without turning into an emotional basket case. On the other hand...

Some times I like being an emotional basket case. It means I'm feeling and what I'm feeling is real.

Tears.

Boo.

Kindergarten...

5th grade...

Almost middle school...

Whoa.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Too fast

I have decided that life is moving too fast for me. Not that me deciding that is going to change anything. But nonetheless, I have decided...

Life has been very busy the last week or so, and I feel like with all the busy bustle, I'm missing out on my fast growing almost 4 month old. Every time I turn around, he has changed, and in the last week I have found myself asking when in the world did that happen, and how did I miss it?!

He is growing just too fast for Mommy. Quentin is my last baby, and I'm soaking in every moment that I can, but it's not enough. I don't feel like it's enough.

My favorite moment is when he is nursing and he pulls himself off, and just stares up at me and smiles...I can never get enough of that moment. Every day is a day closer to those moments coming to an end, and it pains my heart. I know we will have new moments that will be precious, but I can't even think of the day that I will have to let go of these current moments.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with him growing up. I have contemplated on what it could be, and I know part of it is that he is my last baby. But something inside me says there is something more to it than that, I just can't put my finger on it. A form of post-partum maybe?

The bond between my son and I is strong. I feel it everytime he cries, and stops when I hold him, or just talk to him sometimes. There is nothing like the bond between a mother and her child. Especially when nursing is involved. I'm going to miss these nursing days. I feel them coming to an unwanted end, as my body is not coorporating with me. I really don't know how to feel about that. My body, which is supposed to work with me in providing for my child; that is the reason my body was built as it is; is not working properly and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. It also makes me worry that the bond we have created will change...that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm scared.

I love my baby son. I don't want right now to change. I want him to stay this age. I want to keep nursing. I want to keep seeing him stare up at me and smile with that smile of content and happiness.

I'm still really emotional. I still cry at the drop of a hat and at the silliest things. I'm sensitive, and not for sure why. Some days I like it. Others, it's my worst enemy.

I'm rambling. Though I feel it's an important ramble. I need to straighten out my emotions about what is going on with my body and my son growing up faster than my heart can handle. I just don't know how to get a handle on these crazy strong emotions that haught me at every waking moment.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Mini Getaway

Life has gotten stressful. When life becomes more than I care to handle I get away. That's right, I get away. I go to my Malawi. Yes, at 26 years old, I still want my mama. We came down last night to stay for the weekend. I love of at my moms house. There is just something about being in her home, with her company that clears my head. It's comfortable and comforting. I don't have to worry about all those things that haunt me in my own house. Even my husband is different...a good different. Maybe its just my mom...and the company she keeps. I can talk to her about anything. ANYTHING. I sit in front of her and things just spill. That's my therapy. I love my mom.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Memories

 Piper was playing in the rain today. I caught her midair in this photo...perfect.

I was supposed to have my yard sale today, starting this morning. The rain had other things in mind. That's ok, I let Piper play in the rain while I took pictures instead.

Watching her today reminded me of the many times I played in the rain as a child. It was soooo fun. Feeling the chill of the rain as it pitter patters on your head. Playing in the rain gives kids a since of freedom. It's normally a forbidden act. Parents don't want the kids to get all wet and come inside or heaven forbid it makes them sick. I can't count the number of times I played in the rain; know how many times I was sick? Once. Coinscidence? Maybe.

It's the simple things that make kids happy. Sometimes when we are grown up, we get so lost in the responsibilities of being an adult, we forget. I love watching my kids play, watching them be simple. Brings back memories...


                                          She looked like she was doing the rain dance...it worked.



                                         I'm not sure what she was doing here. I love this picture. She looks so much like me at her age.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Random

I'm having a random moment. I have these frequently. I wonder if there is something to that...

hmm...

Sitting here after 48 hours of confusion, it has a bittersweet end. Made dinner together, watching movies, it's nice. Still confused though. Not sure what step to take now or how to take it. Baby steps?

Random thought: Some may notice the name Kimmie, and wonder why. Well, it is actually part of the whole point to starting this whole blog thing. To get back to me again. From my childhood I was "Kimmie". Took the name I was given and gave it a childish twist. That name stuck with me as I grew, with family and close friends; that's who I was; Kimmie. The girl with the "bubbly" personality that made people smile. The girl anyone could go to for advice and a smile when they were down. But that person has changed. People don't say those things about me, in fact I have heard more of the opposite lately, and by lately I mean the last few years. I have let those things get to me, and changed my life around others views of me. Along the way I have lost myself. It goes way deeper than just people's view. But it's a start. I don't why I let it get to me. But I do. I should really work on that.

Anyway, my goal here is to get Kimmie back. I miss her.

Something New

I have always been skidish to try new things. Never sure of how it will turn out, afraid of the outcome. That hasn't worked out so well for me.

Many of my friends are "blogging" now days, and from what they have told me, it can be very theraputic. I could use a good dose of therapy. So I'm giving it a try. I have a lot in my head that needs to come out. Not sure what will happen when it does...

I'm not sure if this is going to help me, but it's worth a shot. If nothing else, maybe it will give those that don't know me, or those that think they know me, a good view of who I am. I can be a difficult person to read; not always a good thing I have found.

As I sit here on my porch writing this, many things are racing through my head. Is this NEW thing going to be a GOOD thing? How will people respond? What will people think? Will I have many followers? Do I want many followers? Why do I care so much about this? Why do I worry so much? Shut up Kim and just do it.

This is me doing it...