My hope

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Milestones

Yup, another post for today. I'm a little behind...

I guess Quentin decided that since his brother and sister had their milestones of starting Kindergarten and 5th grade, that he need to hit a milestone of his own. He started cereal today!!

I exclusively nurse him, but here for the past week, that has not seemed to fill him up and keep him happy for long, so the DR said it would be a good idea to go ahead and start some rice cereal.

I ventured out to Wal-Mart (god-forsaken place) and bought some bowls, spoons, and organic brown rice. As soon as I got home, I made some up with some breast milk, and got him all set up in his seat, and was taken by surprise. He took right to that spoon!

For most infants, the spoon has to actually be put in their mouth, and given time to get used to it...not this little guy!! He opened his mouth all on his own and ate that cereal right off the spoon like he had been doing this his whole life! I couldn't believe it! He ate an entire 2 TBsp (for those of you that don't know, that is quite a lot for a first timer). And I couldn't get it in his mouth quick enough. He would fuss at me if I took to long between bites. He really likes it!!

For this I am happy, but again, it's bittersweet. It is just another sign that my baby; my true, last baby is growing up on me. What is a mommy to do??

How do I get my head and my heart on the same page with this? How do I get my heart to be ok with my children growing up?

New Beginnings

Oh my goodness.

The new school year has started. No big deal right? WRONG! My little girl has started Kindergarten!!! And my once little boy is no longer my little boy, he has started 5th grade; next year is middle school!! Middle school...wow.

This is a bittersweet year for me. I'm so happy my children are growing, healthy, smart, and moving in life as they should. BUT, the more they grow, the less they need me...

I have discovered about myself, that I am a person that needs to feel needed. Why? I don't know. Maybe to give myself purpose? Is that sad? Is that good? I do not know either way. It's just me.

It is tradition on the first day of school to take them (well it used to be just HIM, now it's THEM). So we took Piper first (they go to different buildings). We took her inside instead of just dropping her at the door. We walked her to the cafeteria, as she had decided to eat breakfast; we walked her to the line and explained what she needed to do. I asked her if she was ready for us to leave, her response, "I'm scared". I felt my eyes tear up, but I fought it back, and told her I wouldn't leave until she was ready for me to. She looked over my shoulder and found a girl she knows from day care, and her fear went away. She then told Daddy and I she was ready for us to leave. Oh the pain in my heart...I kissed her good-bye with a smile on my face, wished her a good day, and watched her walk into the breakfast line with the other children. Tears running down my face.
My little girl is a big girl now. She didn't need Mommy to hold her hand. She didn't need me at all.

Ok, Marshall's turn. On the way to his school, he tells me, "You don't have to take me in, I remember where my class is." Oooook...so we stopped at the door, and let him out. Of course I didn't drive away until he disappeared in the building. He got to the door, turned, smiled and waved. :( What is happening here?!

I'm feeling very...what's a good word...tender. That's a good word for it. I'm feeling very tender about this. Do not get me wrong, I am very proud of my children. They are growing to be very independent little people. But at the same time, when will they need me??

I have one piece of happiness...I still have my Q-man at home. Oh man, I can't even imagine what I'm going to be like when he starts school!! Hopefully by then, I will have grown more emotionally, and be able to handle it without turning into an emotional basket case. On the other hand...

Some times I like being an emotional basket case. It means I'm feeling and what I'm feeling is real.

Tears.

Boo.

Kindergarten...

5th grade...

Almost middle school...

Whoa.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Too fast

I have decided that life is moving too fast for me. Not that me deciding that is going to change anything. But nonetheless, I have decided...

Life has been very busy the last week or so, and I feel like with all the busy bustle, I'm missing out on my fast growing almost 4 month old. Every time I turn around, he has changed, and in the last week I have found myself asking when in the world did that happen, and how did I miss it?!

He is growing just too fast for Mommy. Quentin is my last baby, and I'm soaking in every moment that I can, but it's not enough. I don't feel like it's enough.

My favorite moment is when he is nursing and he pulls himself off, and just stares up at me and smiles...I can never get enough of that moment. Every day is a day closer to those moments coming to an end, and it pains my heart. I know we will have new moments that will be precious, but I can't even think of the day that I will have to let go of these current moments.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with him growing up. I have contemplated on what it could be, and I know part of it is that he is my last baby. But something inside me says there is something more to it than that, I just can't put my finger on it. A form of post-partum maybe?

The bond between my son and I is strong. I feel it everytime he cries, and stops when I hold him, or just talk to him sometimes. There is nothing like the bond between a mother and her child. Especially when nursing is involved. I'm going to miss these nursing days. I feel them coming to an unwanted end, as my body is not coorporating with me. I really don't know how to feel about that. My body, which is supposed to work with me in providing for my child; that is the reason my body was built as it is; is not working properly and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. It also makes me worry that the bond we have created will change...that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm scared.

I love my baby son. I don't want right now to change. I want him to stay this age. I want to keep nursing. I want to keep seeing him stare up at me and smile with that smile of content and happiness.

I'm still really emotional. I still cry at the drop of a hat and at the silliest things. I'm sensitive, and not for sure why. Some days I like it. Others, it's my worst enemy.

I'm rambling. Though I feel it's an important ramble. I need to straighten out my emotions about what is going on with my body and my son growing up faster than my heart can handle. I just don't know how to get a handle on these crazy strong emotions that haught me at every waking moment.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Mini Getaway

Life has gotten stressful. When life becomes more than I care to handle I get away. That's right, I get away. I go to my Malawi. Yes, at 26 years old, I still want my mama. We came down last night to stay for the weekend. I love of at my moms house. There is just something about being in her home, with her company that clears my head. It's comfortable and comforting. I don't have to worry about all those things that haunt me in my own house. Even my husband is different...a good different. Maybe its just my mom...and the company she keeps. I can talk to her about anything. ANYTHING. I sit in front of her and things just spill. That's my therapy. I love my mom.