My hope

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Too fast

I have decided that life is moving too fast for me. Not that me deciding that is going to change anything. But nonetheless, I have decided...

Life has been very busy the last week or so, and I feel like with all the busy bustle, I'm missing out on my fast growing almost 4 month old. Every time I turn around, he has changed, and in the last week I have found myself asking when in the world did that happen, and how did I miss it?!

He is growing just too fast for Mommy. Quentin is my last baby, and I'm soaking in every moment that I can, but it's not enough. I don't feel like it's enough.

My favorite moment is when he is nursing and he pulls himself off, and just stares up at me and smiles...I can never get enough of that moment. Every day is a day closer to those moments coming to an end, and it pains my heart. I know we will have new moments that will be precious, but I can't even think of the day that I will have to let go of these current moments.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with him growing up. I have contemplated on what it could be, and I know part of it is that he is my last baby. But something inside me says there is something more to it than that, I just can't put my finger on it. A form of post-partum maybe?

The bond between my son and I is strong. I feel it everytime he cries, and stops when I hold him, or just talk to him sometimes. There is nothing like the bond between a mother and her child. Especially when nursing is involved. I'm going to miss these nursing days. I feel them coming to an unwanted end, as my body is not coorporating with me. I really don't know how to feel about that. My body, which is supposed to work with me in providing for my child; that is the reason my body was built as it is; is not working properly and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. It also makes me worry that the bond we have created will change...that makes me uncomfortable.

I'm scared.

I love my baby son. I don't want right now to change. I want him to stay this age. I want to keep nursing. I want to keep seeing him stare up at me and smile with that smile of content and happiness.

I'm still really emotional. I still cry at the drop of a hat and at the silliest things. I'm sensitive, and not for sure why. Some days I like it. Others, it's my worst enemy.

I'm rambling. Though I feel it's an important ramble. I need to straighten out my emotions about what is going on with my body and my son growing up faster than my heart can handle. I just don't know how to get a handle on these crazy strong emotions that haught me at every waking moment.

2 comments:

  1. Rambling IS important. Seriously. Ramble away girly. Ramble in my direction if you want to, ha!

    I even know that I'm planning on having more kids. But they will each be different people. As Ember grows I keep trying to hang on to these short parts of her life, because she'll never ever be this age again. I'll never ever have another Ember at 17 weeks old.

    I can't even imagine never ever having another BABY at 17 weeks old. *sigh*

    I hope the nursing stuff is going better. I haven't heard from you in awhile so I don't know, but just be gentle with yourself ok?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I ramble...a LOT. lol.

    Be gentle with myself...I should really take that advice. I'm rough on myself a lot. Really rough. Some days I feel like I deserve it...even though I know most of the time I don't. I don't know how to be gentle...

    ReplyDelete