My hope

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Stranger in this skin

I feel like a stranger to myself these days. A stranger in my own skin. It's not a good feeling.

I'm having a lot of feelings I don't like lately. Mostly because I don't know what to do with them.

I need a box with a lock to put them in...

Life is full of surprises. Lots and lots of surprises.
Some good. Some bad.

I have been surprised a time or two...or three...but I can't do anything with them. Bummer.
Too many times to count I have been presented with good things; that I want; that I cannot have. Then what is the point? Someone somewhere doesn't feel I deserve it maybe. I don't know. It's not fair.

Life isn't fair.

I'm tired of wanting the things I deserve that are kept from me. I'm tired of wanting things period. I want to go back to the days that I HAD. I miss those days. I miss those things. They are important things.

I want them back.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Oh I don't know what to do these days. So much on my mind, and no way to organize it all.

I'm on edge lately. Easily annoyed. People. What more needs said. People annoy me. So arogant, immature, ignorant, I could go on...but I don't want to annoy myself.

People do such stupid things. Why do people do such stupid things?? I mean really, have people stopped using their heads before they speak or act? Ugh.

I need to rant. I just feel like I have all this pent up frustration at people that I want to just scream at the top of my lungs and ask "what is wrong with you?!?!" But then I would be worried about what people thought about my lashing out, and why do I care? I don't know...but I do. So I rant in silence.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, I feel better now. :)

Not as good as I would like to feel, but better nonetheless. I hate feeling judgmental, and that's how I'm feeling right now. Everyone I look at, I judge in some way. Maybe this is some weird way of dealing the myself. I know I'm being judged by some people...every day people think they know me, all about me, and run their mouth about me and how I live and what I do or don't do...or what they think they know. I let this bother me. I don't know how not to let it bother me. I don't know how to handle being judged, so I judge. Not intentionally, but intentions don't matter.

I hate judging. Sometimes I do it without realizing it. Sometimes it makes me feel good. Until I reflect on my thoughts....boo.

Damn conscience.

I annoy myself. Like right now. My thoughts are all over the place. I don't like that. I feel...scattered...enclosed...confused...like I'm running in circles with myself.

That's it!! I'm stuck in a cirlce...just going round and round and round with the same old issues with myself and other people. I need to figure out how to straighten out that circle. hmmm...

I'm rambling. Again. A wise woman once told me to ramble away, cause it's good to ramble from time to time. She knows who she is. :) I appreciate her everytime I blog. She is a great friend.

I will close now...though I don't feel like I released much. I have so much, and it's so complex, I'm having trouble releasing it...putting it into words. Maybe another night it will come to me more clearly. Until then....

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Strange

I feel...strange.

Not like myself.

I don't know what is going on inside of me, but it feels foreign. Something I haven't felt in a long time. About 10 years to be exact. Now this does not necessarily mean something bad...just foreign.

I don't know where it's coming from. Actually I do...it just doesn't matter. And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm feeling very vulnerable...something I do NOT like feeling. I feel open, like at any moment, my private matters will be seen, heard, felt...

What does a person do when at such a vulnerable state? How does one protect themselves from the potential pain that could come, and most likely will? Nothing good comes from being vulnerable. Not in my experience anyway.

This is short but sweet; or bittersweet to express appropriately. Pretty much sums me up on the inside here lately...