My hope

Friday, October 7, 2011

Mask

I'm feeling a lot today. A lot of different emotions, some good...some...not so good...

I am a whole mess of emotions inside, and no outlet for them. Dangerous combination.

I don't even really know where to begin...I feel betrayed. People say they are your friends, and in conversation, sure they seem like it. When it really comes down to BEING a friend, and being there for you and having understanding, they couldn't care less. Talk behind your back about problems like a coward instead of coming to you. Making your past bite you in the ass. REALLY?! Yeah, I have done some stupid shit in my past, but it's in the past!! Everyone has bad judgment at LEAST once in their life. Get over it, I have, and I will NOT let you make me down for it!

Life is too short for your crap. Either you are a friend to me, or your not. Make up your mind and take off the damn mask! It's not a pretty sight when I lose my patience. Stop trying to take things from me!!!

I just realized the anger that is coming to the surface with every line I write...



To hear someone so close lies to your face everyday...wow...no words. To have heard this for the uncountable time...an even bigger wow. Ouch.

Just be honest. Why live a lie? I don't understand it. Speculating does no good...just makes me crazy. But the questions and wonder linger...why? Yes, the truth hurts, but it hurts a whole lot less when you are just up front with it. Grow some balls and take off the mask!!! But to say that to his face...he blows me off. Ouch again.

Days like this, I feel myself slipping back into hiding and it takes everything I have to stop it. It's hard to be me in the emtional mess, I sink quick. It's an anchor. I want it off!!!!

I wear my own mask...it's a mask of protection. I don't want to wear it anymore. I don't want to HAVE to wear it anymore. I just want to be surrounded by people that care about me, that I don't have to protect myself from. All of those people are so far away though.

I'm surrounded by people who don't care. Who pretend to care. Who are hiding behind a mask, and I just want to rip it off their face...

Anger feels good sometimes.