My hope

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Grrrrr...

Grrr.... That's all I have to say right now...grr... Yes, I am an intelligent person. Dean's list, A in A&P, scholarship for good grades...wouldn't happen if I wasn't. BUT! I do not get those things easliy. I am an analyzer. I anazlye every. single. thing. i drive myself crazy with it. But there is not much I can do about it. It's how my brain works. Not that there is anything I want to do about it. Having a brain that analyzes like that has proven to be very useful, in many things in my life, personal, educational, general life. It's part of the reason I'm the "go to" person for a lot of my friends. I have to have all the info, to analyze a situation to make an informed decision. Now having said that, my brain kind of works against itself. I'm not a quick thinker. Oh how I wish I were. But I'm not. I process slowly. Sometimes it takes me longer to catch things that are not CLEARLY stated, than most people. That has not worked so well in my favor. I find myslef in disputes with people I consider close to me because of it. I don't get something they say right away, or catch a meaning they didn't lay out clearly right away, and I respond with my first thought to what they said. Then later in the conversation, a light bulb comes on, and I realize...OH!! THAT'S what they meant!! By then usually, chaos is already started, and when I try to go back and explain what happened and where I was, and what my true intention was...it's too late. They already have this horrible view of me and my intentions, and everything I say from then on is totally. and completely. pointless. This is very irritating for me. Both because I know this is how I am physiologically built and because these people do not try to learn that about me, and take it into consideration in conversations. They just like to stick to the negative view of me. Ouch. Almost makes me wonder if it's not a cop-out to end a friendship they don't value anyway... I don't know. It's hurtful though. That a "friend" will not take the time to try to understand me or how I work, or even just accept that, that is how I think. Instead will say hurtful things. It sometimes makes me wish I didn't think and analyze the way I do...but then that would mean I'm ashamed of ME. And that's not right either....