My hope

Monday, October 8, 2012

Loss Part 2

There is a part 1..it just hasn't been published yet. I did these backwards. This experience was a lot different for me and I didn't want to these emotions to intermix with part 1.

June 2010. A month I will never forget. I do not remember the day. I think I have blocked it out.

I experienced my second loss this month. What would have been, if nature wasn't so cruel, my 4th child.

I say "I" and "my" because with this loss, I pretty much dealt with alone. I think it was just too much for George to deal with. Way too much. So he just...didn't. That I cannot fault him for. You cannot force someone to grieve.

In March that year, maybe April, I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for a while. Not having much luck. Even got ovulation kits thinking maybe something was wrong. Went to the doctor...and his professional advice? "Stop trying" As blown as my mind was, that's what we did. We stopped trying. I stopped tracking my periods and ovulation (which btw drove me batty. I hate not knowing what my cycle is doing) Low and behold one month after the doctor visit...I got pregnant.

Was it coincidence? Who knows.

All I know is when I read that pregnancy test that said positive, my heart swelled with joy. We finally did it! I announced the news to George by buying him a shirt he really wanted and folding it nicely on the bathroom counter, with the test next to it. Went outside and told him to go check out his shirt to make sure it was the right size. His cousin was there outside so we sat in an awkward silence as we waited for George to return. George came outside with a stunned smile on his face. I don't think he knew what to do. He looked happy, but unsure how to react. I pegged it to be because of our first loss 1 year prior to this.

Oddly enough, I found out I was pregnant with this one, almost exactly a year after my miscarriage....another coincidence?

We were happy. Told everyone. It was short lived. 4 weeks.

By this time my pants were already very tight. Some of them I was already using a rubber band on. (Don't you love rubber bands?) Not even done with the first trimester and using rubber bands...twins? Doc says maybe. Wow. Amazing. Scary. Wow. Life was going to be busy.

I was just over 10 weeks, maybe by a day or two. I begin to spot. I freaked. I knew this was bad. I calmed myself and had a little pep talk that it might be ok. "Don't psych yourself out" I told myself. Everything is fine.

Everything is fine.

I went to the doctor and he did his exam on me, took blood work, blah, blah, blah, all the standards. I was measuring further than 10 weeks obviously. Much further. My hormones were a lot higher than he expected for my gestation. But everything WAS fine. Nothing explained the spotting. So because of my size, he felt it was a good idea to look inside, get an ultrasound and see what was going on in there. Maybe it was twins, which he explained could be a reason for some spotting. He didn't go into further detail, stating that there is too much to speculate so he would like to see if there are two babies in there, then go from there. He was very positive things were going to be fine. There is that word again. Fine.

I have had my number of ultrasounds. I was not worried. I have had so many, I usually know what I'm looking at before the tech tells me. Heck, I knew Piper was a girl before the tech showed me. I laid down on the table, ready to see my tiny baby or babies on the screen. I exposed my belly and the tech made a comment about my belly size for being so early. Twins comment again.

Just maybe.

"We are about to find out" she says. She put the device on my belly and I watched the screen. I see my gestational sac.

I wait.

Wait to see my little miracle. Maybe she isn't in the right location of my belly. The tech moves it around. Maybe she isn't using enough pressure to get a good picture...no, my bladder is about to burst..that's not it. Still just a sac.

She looks around at everything around my uterus. There are my ovaries...bladder...etc...

There is my gestational sac again. I just stared. Blank.

"It's empty isn't it?" I didn't even think when I asked. It just came out. "My sac is empty."

The techs are "not" supposed to give any reports to the patients...that is the docs job. But I know her position was compromised. She knew I was not ignorant to this...what was she supposed to say to me? She couldn't lie. I could tell she didn't want to tell me to wait to talk to the doc, when I already knew what was going on. She confirmed. "Yes"

I instantly broke down in tears. My inner me was screaming "how is this even possible?! I am pregnant! That means WITH child! How can I be pregnant without child?! Where is my baby?! Babies?!" I suddenly felt so outside of myself, like I was watching from the corner of the room. My heart was pounding so hard I swear I could hear it. I just could not understand how this could be possible. You get pregnant, there is human bodies in your body. My hormones were right, (actually elevated which also made us think twins), my body was growing rapidly, I was sick...oh lord that pregnancy sickness was kicking my butt. I WAS pregnant. So how in the hell can there be no baby inside my belly??? This is a very cruel joke.

It was so baffling several docs had to review the ultrasound before they would talk to me. So I went home. Called George on the way and just came apart. Called my mom frantic. This is impossible. Right? There has to be some mistake.
The next day was a blur. All I could do was cry. Hold my belly and cry.

It was hard to believe that I just found out I could be having TWINS. Then in the very close following moments, they were no longer there. I had a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I had my hand on my overly large (for 10 weeks), hard belly, and there was nothing on the other side. Nothing but an empty sac.

When it was time to see the doc he explained I had, had a blighted ovum. However he did also say that it is rare for it to happen so late. Usually it happens very early, before the pregnancy can even be confirmed. He explained that normally, there never is an embryo at all. Just the placenta forms. With mine happening so late, and other evidence involved, he believed that I did in fact have an embryo that became or attempted to become twins, and then the formation stopped, reason for it could have been a number of things.

The reasons didn't matter. My babies were gone. No longer with me. I was an empty. Literally and figuratively. I just wanted to go home.

We discussed options. The was the same regardless...no babies. Not even one. I could either take a medication that could induce a miscarriage; it may or may not fully work. I could wait for nature to take it's course, which would have been 2 weeks max. Or I could have surgery to end it. I chose surgery.

I did not want to risk the medication not working and having the surgery anyway.
I definitely could not stand to walk around everyday knowing this could be the day...
Walking around every day just waiting for what is left of my baby's existence to leave my body...

No, I couldn't do it. Surgery. As soon as possible. I wanted it over with. I never wanted it to start. It was scheduled for two days from then.

That morning I was a mess. A complete and total mess. I don't remember much else. I remember crying, holding George's hand as they started to wheel me away to the O.R.

I was in and out a lot in recovery. I remember waking up...crying. Several times. I remember the nurses coming over and holding my hand telling me it was going to be ok. One rubbed my head. I cried the whole way home. The rest of the day, and a few following days, I just laid in bed. I cried at the drop of a hat. I was depressed.

Ever since I have had a hard time dealing with this loss. It hit me a lot harder than the first...which most people think for that to be backwards. I agree. I think this hit me like it did, because:

I WAS pregnant.
Very possibly with twins.
We tried hard for this baby.
Seeing the screen empty literally screwed with my head.

That last one I think is what really did it to me. Knowing you are pregnant, and then looking for your baby and seeing nothing...I cannot put into words what that was like. Psychologically...it was horrible.

I saw a therapist for a while. It helped. For a while. I have good times and bad times. I can go a few months and be ok. Talk about it and not cry. Then a few months when I can't even think about it without crying. I don't understand why I can't just...be ok about it.

I don't know that I will ever truly be ok about losing my babies.

But I'm trying. Here lately though it has been very difficult. October was the due month for the first love I lost. The 15th of this month I am attending a balloon release event to honor babies lost through miscarriage or stillbirth. In my American Literature class we just read and discussed a Robert Frost poem about the loss of a baby. I wrote a paper on it.

It's a rough month.

I have never really let it out like I have here. All the details. All the emotion. (I never told George about the twins part, I was afraid it would make it more difficult for him to deal with) It feels good to put all into words.

I have cried through this post. But now...I'm not. I don't know if it will last. But I'm enjoying this feeling. I'm still sad. I still long for the babies I will never have in this life. But the feeling.....I don't know the words. I feel released.

In memory of my little loves, I have written a poem. I haven't written in years...

Little Loves of Mine

Your faces I never got to see.Your hands I never got to feel.
All I could say out loud was,Can this really be real?

In my womb you took up space.You were there I know it’s true.
The doctor told me nothing’s there,Nothing left of either of you.

My belly is empty.The screen made it clear.
My belly is empty.How are you not here?

My belly is empty,But the evidence show,
There must have been two in there, With the way my body and hormones grow.

Where did you go? Why did you leave?
Don’t you know how much I loved each of you? How much I wanted you with me?

It’s hard to miss you like I do. To tell people your story,
And not tear up, At thoughts of you.

Mommy loves you. Little loves of mine,
I can’t wait to see you both, In the future…sometime.

In my heart, You will always stay
The pain of your departure Never goes away.

In your memory, I wright these lines,
Your memory is all I have, Little loves of mine.

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